funny stories : weird phone call

Funny Stories about Frying Pan
A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge frying pan.
Man: "What was that for?"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it?"
Man: "Oh honey, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife looked all satisfied, apologizes, and goes off to do work around the house.
Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting.
Man: "What was that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse phoned." 

Midnight Phonecall Funny Stories

The manager of a liquor store gets a midnight phone call at home:
- Hello!
- At what time does the store open?
- At ten o'clock sir.


At two in the morning, the phone rings again:
- HELLO!
- Ya (burp), at what time does, euh, the store open?
- AT TEN IN THE MORNING, sir


Again, at four, the phone rings:
- H!E!L!L!O!
- Ya, euh, (burp), at ...time, euh, does the euh store open?
- At ten in the morning sir, but I am not sure that, since you are so drunk, I will let you in.
- I (burp) don't want, euh, to get in, euh, I want to get out!  

Funny Stories : Relation Guide

Add It Up: Relationship Guide funny Stories

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed..+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pllows..0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets..-1
You leave the toilet seat up..-5
You leave the toilet lid down..-10 after the lights are out..-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty..0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex..-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer ..-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing..0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something..+5
You pummel it with a six iron..+10
It's her father..-10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party..0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy..-2
Named Tiffany..-4
Tiffany is a dancer..-6
Tiffany has implants..-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner..0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ......+1
Okay, it is a sports bar..-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team..-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal ..-5
And the pal is happily married ..-4
Or frighteningly single ..-7
And he drives a Mustang..-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ..-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie..+2
You take her to a movie she likes..+4
You take her to a movie you hate..+6
You take her to a movie you like..-2
It's called DeathCop 3..-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .........-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly..-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it....+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ..-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ..-5
You hesitate in responding..-10
You reply, "Where?"..-35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression ..0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV..+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep..-20

Funny Stories : Another Man And Women Joke

Funny Stories About First Date Experience

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?

His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home-cooked meal?"

He thought this was a great strategy, and a week later, the woman came to dinner. His mother called the next day to see how things had gone.

"I was totally humiliated," he moaned. "She insisted on washing the dishes."

"What's wrong with that?" asked his mother.

"We hadn't started eating yet." 

Rule that Man Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat; if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports.
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
8. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point bank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - Not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Men are from earth; women are from earth. Deal with it.
26. Nothing says, "I love you" like sex.

Funny Stories of Sexual Harassment

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells nice.

The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget."  

Funny Stories : Jokes about Man And Woman

Funny Stories About New Maid In House

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 852-8851?" 

Funny Stories About Rich Widow looking for a new Husband

 
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:

1. WON'T BEAT ME UP

2. WON'T RUN AWAY

3. HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" 

Do You Remember Tarzan Movie..? This is one Funny Stories about Tarzan and Jane

Funny Stories about Working days

Funny Stories About Counting Working Day  

Boss and Employee

One day in the morning an employee facing his boss and decided to tell all the problems he faces with the aim of asking for "a raise".
 

His boss then laughed, let him in and ask him to sit and say,

- Boss: "Ha ... ha ... ha ..., Look buddy, you were not even work for the company not even though one day ..! Period now want to ask for a raise?"

The employe  very surprised to hear it, but his superiors immediately interupt.

- Boss: "Tell me how many days in a year?"
- Employee: "365 days and sometimes 366 days."
- Boss: "Yes, now there are how many hours in a day?"
- Employee: "24 hours."
- Boss: "How many hours do you work a day?"
- Employee: "From the  08:00 s / d 17:00  1 hr break time and 8 hours a day."
- Boss: "So, tell me how much part, do you work in one day?"
- Employee: "(start counting .. 8/24 hours = 1/3) One-third of the day!"
- Boss: "Oh you clever! Now what is the One-third of 366 days?"
- Employee: "122 (1/3 × 366 = 122 days)."
- Boss: "Do you work on Saturday and Sunday?"
- Employee: "No, sir!"
- Boss: "How many Saturdays and Sundays in a year?"
- Employee: "Saturday 52 Sunday plus 52 = 104 days."
- Boss: "Well, if you subtract 104 days from 122 days, how many are living?"
- Employee: "18 days."

- Boss: "Well, I have given you 12 days leave per year. Now subtract 12 days from 18 days the number of days remaining living?"
- Employee: "6 days."
- Boss: "On the day of HOLIDAY do you work?"
- Employee: "No, sir!"
- Boss: "On the day of Christmas and New Year are you working?"
- Employee: "No, sir!"
- Boss: "Now subtract all of the rest of Holiday, how many days are left?"
- Employee: "??? There is no more days left, sir."
- Boss: "So now what you want to Ask?
- Employee: "....???????"

Funny jokes

 FUNNY SAD REFRIGERATOR

One night, a private doctor on the phone by Mr. Wayne ..., "Doctor, there's something wrong with my toilet ... every night when I want to piss, direct lights turns on by it self when I open the door ..." The doctor replied .. "Sir, Just take arest, I'll fix it ..." said the doctor, trying to calm Mr. Wayne .. 

Because of his strange feeling, then the doctor called His family, and Anna, his youngest daughter pick up the phone... "Well, Anna, Your father told me that the lights turn on when the toilet door opened, .. Is there any new security system install at your house..?" Hearing this, Anna shouted ... "Mommy.........., Grandy......., Brother........ DADDY PEE IN REFRIGERATOR AGAIN ......... "

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

PLANE CRASH  

A grandfather tells of his experiences during the war era old days. Their conversation as follows:

Grandpa: "Once a long time ago, i went to war and there was time when we wanna go to attack enemy by plane, apparently on the way, we got hit by an enemy aircraft so that our planes were destroyed and everything in that plane was died, including the pilot" grandfather tell the story with pride .
grandchildren: With a tone of confuse "But why grandpa is still alive?"
grandfather: Respond with pride "Because I miss my flight!" :)

The Lady and her Maid Stories

Funny Lady and Maid Stories

Madam and Her Maid (michele) Madam who suspected her husband was playing the same crazy aides make a strategy to trap her husband.

Madam: MICHELE!!!  come over here you, tonight I will sleep at your place? You sleep on my sofa !
Maid: Really? (while scratching her head)
Madam: "No more question, or i terminate you !?!?
Maid: Ooo..ookay Madam...
Madam: (talking to her self) "I'll actually trapped my husband, huh.."
 
The night has arrived promptly running the plan, the Servant went up and the Lady come into the  Servant room, covered with a cloth and turn off the lights. Night was getting late and there was someone getting in and began "the struggle".
 "Why has my husband's penis is bigger then it ussual ? Is he dringking something?" madam thinking. But because he enjoyed a lot, she fall a sleep.
 
The second night was the final to executed the plan, and really, someone re-entry slip to the room, the Lady was ready with the trap, began "Struggling" in the mattress. but again the madam fall asleep because enjoy it so much.
 
In the morning The Lady call her Servant.
Madam: Michele.., tonight I sleep at your place again, Okay? (wooing)
Maid: Why Madam..., I'll fell sorry and going to hell!!
Madam: Seriously you say!?  why?
Maid: I'll be honest mam, the one who coming and enter the room at first night is your gardener,
The second night is your driver mam, and tonight .....the turn is.......
Madam: (Sitting down by herlimp) Who is it.. WHO...???
Maid: Your Son MADAM .......?
Madam: WHATTTTT.....!!!!!!!